Cyrus

You know. I’ve known people over the years who have gone to jail. Folks who’ve allegedly done things to people.

This guy right here. I knew him in a passing you on the street, hey, let me ask you some questions because you like to grab fame walking around NYC with a goat, kind of way.

Cyrus was recently arrested in NJ and charged with sexually assaulting a teenager. Well, she was 19.

The way the official county prosecutor narrative reads, it’s someone straight up out of Mike Tyson or Tupac. Now, I’m not saying the girls a liar, but these are the details, as far as the prosecutor sees it.

Cyrus allegedly met a girl at a club or bar or something. She was roofied, or incapacitated to some degree. Cyrus put her in his van. The same one he’s told me he likes to put his goat in.

Wait.

Side note for a minute. So, yes, this dude has a goat. She’s called Cocoa. He’s taken the goat to Times Square and fed it pizza. The Daily News and AP have all documented this. I think an AP photog even turned it into a photo essay. I’m really too tired to look for it right now.

Yes. This man is famous for a goat.

SO. Back to the charges. So, he allegedly sticks the girl in his van.

Hours later, the girl wakes up. Is she naked? Prolly.

The authorities say that she called a friend in New York.

I’m going to go out on a limb and suspect that the convo went like this:

Girl: Suzie. This guy has a friggin goat in the house. A goat. How did I get here? Why am I here? Call me a cab. Summit? Where the hell is Summit.

Girl’s Friend Who Let Her Leave the Club: I’m calling the cops girl. He said he was taking you outside for some fresh air. I didn’t know what happened to you last night. I was going crazy.

Then the cops get called. It’s a big fiasco…and boom! From goat celebrity to sex assault-er.

On a serious note, this is going to ruin my dude’s life. Now, I’m not saying we were friends, but we had you random convo about politics and goats. No, I’m serious.

Anyway, keep your head up Cy. I hope this is either a) A BIG misunderstanding b) A lesson that you will learn from in a few years. Maybe more than a few.

Either way, LONG LIVE COCOA. the goat.

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